Enough
by Hell789abdv
Summary: Ste's thoughts on himself in the wake of recent episodes. And Brendan's thoughts on their goodbye.
1. Ste

Title: Enough

Author: Hell789abdv

Pairing: Brendan/Ste

Warning: If you know how it ended then no spoilers. No beta.

Summary: Ste's thoughts on their ending. Set to the song One.

Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or any characters.

Notes: My first Stendan fic I've published although I read it all the time but I had to write something. Please be gentle. Mistakes and generally bad grammar are my fault, sorry in advance.

_Is it getting better  
Or do you feel the same  
Will it make it easier on you now  
If you've got someone to blame  
_

Hating him is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I do. I hate him. Love him, but hate him. I wish he could see me now, wish he could understand that he is my life and I can't live without him, not now I know what it could be like. Me and him. We should be… We could've been great. Finally, great. After the pain, the disappointments, the lies, the violence. After I ran so hard from him because I knew he could be both the making and the breaking of me. I didn't think I could do it again. I couldn't face another round. But I did because I couldn't not.

_You said one love  
One life  
When its one need  
In the night  
One love we get to share it  
It leaves you baby if you don't care for it_

I've never been as scared of him as when he told me he loved me on that bridge because I knew that was it. My life over because without him there can't be a me anymore. He took over me. My soul. My heart. All consuming. And it was brilliant. We were brilliant. We were what we always could have been if he had just let us earlier. A shining light, finally after everything.

_Did I disappoint you  
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth  
You act like you never had love  
And you want me to go without_

I wasn't enough for him. How could I be? Me, from the backside of council estate with a darkness that no one seemed to understand. With a past littered with disappointment, pain and misery. How could I ever make him happy? He understood the darkness but that wasn't enough not when it was me. I never deserved him. He was so powerful, so beautiful, so strong. I've always been weak. I was never going to be enough for him.

_Well its too late  
Tonight  
To drag the past out  
Into the light  
We're one but we're not the same  
We get to carry each other  
Carry each other  
One_

I've always been weak. Weak body, weak messed up mind. A failure. I hoped. I hoped and I hoped again that I could be enough. I've always been an idiot. So stupid. He beat me because he could see it. Whatever he said I knew that it had to be that way because I never deserved anything else. I never deserved him and I never will. That's why he didn't chose me. And I hate him for it, but I hate myself more for not being enough for the man I would die for.

_Have you come here for forgiveness  
Have you come to raise the dead  
Have you come here to play jesus  
To the lepers in your head_

What his Dad did was sick. I was evil in a way I can't understand. To do that to a child. To his own son. To do that to him. To do that to the boy that grew into the man I love. He deserved what he got. He deserved to die.

_Did I ask too much  
More than a lot  
You gave me nothing now  
Its all I got  
We're one but we're not the same  
Well we hurt each other and we're doing it again_

I pushed and I pushed because I knew that if he could love me then maybe, just maybe I could spend the rest of my life making up for all the things that I couldn't do. All the things that I've done. All the pain I caused him because I couldn't trust him. Because I never believed that I would ever be lucky enough, good enough to be with someone who wouldn't betray me. Like I could ever deserve that.

_You said love is a temple  
Love the higher law  
Love is a temple  
Love the higher law_

He said that he would let me go because he couldn't lose me. He'd make that sacrifice. He's always been too quick to throw himself under the bus. He became a murderer for me, I never asked but he had to protect me because I'm too weak to protect myself. He's right I did change everything. I ruined his life, he just hadn't realized yet.

_You ask me to enter  
But then you make me crawl  
I can't be holding on  
To what you've got  
When all you've got is hurt_

There is no me. Not without him. He made me better. Made me hope. Made me think for even a little while that maybe deserved more than blood and pain. That I didn't deserve to hurt. That maybe I deserve love. That he would protect me, care for me, love me. It was meant to be forever. It was meant to be to the grave. Not this, never this.

He always did love his sister. Loved her more than he could ever love me because she is his blood and I'm just someone he met. He had to protect her. He had to ruin me to protect her and he did. He tossed me to the side like I always knew he would.

One love  
One blood  
One life  
You've got to do what you should  
One life with each other  
Sister  
Brothers  
One life but we're not the same  
We get to carry each other  
Carry each other  
One

I love him more than he will ever know, ever understand. There's nothing left. Nothing left of us. Of me. He was always going to break my heart and I shouldn't have ever let myself believe that I was ever going to be good enough. He didn't just break my heart though. He broke me. I always thought that was when it was punches but no. This is worse. This is unending darkness with no hope. And it's all because I wasn't enough.


	2. Brendan

Brendan's thoughts as he prepares to say goodbye to Ste.

Set to Can't pretend by Tom Odell

I daren't look at him but I have to because if I'm going to do this I need to see him. I need to look at this beautiful man, look at his eyes and have that to keep. He's crying and I'd do anything, anything to make him stop because I can't bare what this is doing to him, to me. I can't show it though. A crack and I'll break and I'll take it all back just to see him smile again. Lights up my day that smile. Makes everything alright because he's happy and that's all I want for him.

_Love, I have wounds,  
Only you can mend,  
You can mend.  
I guess that's love,  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend._

I've been damaged so long I forget what it's like not to be. But with him, with my Steven I forget for a while. I can, not remember, but get back what I lost all those years ago. He gives me peace, calms my rage at the world, balances me out and it's only him. Only he that can do that for me. He puts the broken pieces of me back together, I'm not complete but that's not his fault. He forgives me for everything I've ever done to him. I never should have hurt him. Never. But that's the part he couldn't fix. I should have let him try. I should have come clean about my father years ago, in front of the police station when he had begged to understand and I still couldn't do it. I couldn't admit my weakness. I couldn't trust him with all of me, what was I thinking? My heart is safe with him. Because no matter what I do, no matter how hard I push he will always come back to me eventually and that's the worst thing about this. Because I know. I know I'm asking him to go against his nature. Against his passion, his wholehearted, full on way of loving. I'm asking him to let me go and I know that he's never let go of anything he didn't want to. Couldn't. He's a fighter, my Steven. He fought for us when I couldn't bring myself to think there was an us and it was only my twisted guilty darkness that got in the way. __

Feel, my skin is rough,  
But it can be cleansed,  
It can be cleansed.  
And my arms are tough,  
But they can be bent,  
They can be bent.

Loving him. Letting myself realize that I loved and love him it made me feel a better man even when I knew that I was never going to be a good man. I've got no justifications for the things I've done, through fear, desperation or anger but the worst thing I have ever done is break him. I thought I had broken him before but nothing prepared me for this. This is broken. I'm doing this to him and I can't stop because I deserve to be punished. I need to be punished. Our life together could never be complete with my past lurking there. I fooled myself into thinking that I could escape. I could never truly relaxed after Walker. He reminded me of my darkness of my crimes. I need to be punished but Steven doesn't and I'm punishing him for loving me. But he got as close as anyone could ever get to fixing me. I'm letting him go. Letting him out of my darkness and back into the light where he can live and be alive. Just knowing that he is going to have a life after me is punishment but he deserves it. He deserves someone better someone pure and good who can give him the life he deserves where he can be happy and have his children and have everything that he wants. I've never deserved him but I'm glad I've had him because I couldn't face this without his love.

_And I wanna fight,  
But I can't contend.  
I guess that's love,  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend._

I would do anything, give anything, be anything to be with him but I can't. I can't and I know that now. I can't let my baby sister face jail for something I should have done. It's the one thing I can't do for him.

_Oh, feel our bodies grow,  
And our souls they blend.  
Yeah love I hope you know,  
How much my heart depends._

His fierce, passion, it's an unstoppable force and I'm glad I had that. He's so stubborn and beautiful. It was his body that drew me in, but his spirit and soul which kept me there. Even now, tears streaming and breath hitching in his chest I've never seen anything I want more. __

But I guess that's love  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend.  
I guess that's love  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend.

He's strong. Lord knows, my boy is strong. Strong enough to face me down. He's a survivor. He doesn't believe it but I know it. I know that I've never met anyone so brave. He can be brave and he will survive I know he will because I know him. I know that even if I break him he'll bounce back eventually because he has before. My sister isn't made of that. She's never had to be that because I always protected her. I wish I could have protected him too but because I didn't I know. I know that this won't kill him, not the way it would kill her. Not the way it's going to kill me.__

Oh feel our bodies grow,  
And our souls they blend.  
Yeah love I hope you know,  
How much my heart depends.  


One last confession. He's changed me. He changed everything and he made me better. I can't leave him without him knowing that. One last kiss goodbye and I can't… I have to. I have to. It's like a mantra. I have to. Please Steven please go. Go and don't look back for too long because I know he'll look back but please, please don't. I'm giving him the rest of his life because I have to do this and I need to let him go. One last sacrifice. For him. For me because if he's alive and happy at least there's something right in the world.

_I guess that's love  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend.  
I guess that's love  
I can't pretend,  
I can't pretend._


End file.
